USED TO

Image by JPott via Flickr
 "Hello, darlin'," she says every time she sees me but that's because she doesn't remember my name. I have been visiting Anita for nearly 2 years as part of hospice volunteering I do. Anita isn't exactly a typical hospice patient. Usually I see those for just a few weeks at best, however Anita's family isn't able to visit her as often as they would like and so they requested companionship visiting for her. She has been a joy to visit whether she is in a talkative mood or just wants someone to sit beside her as she watches TV or looks out the window at whatever remains in her world. I have learned a lot from and about Anita. I am not always sure what is accurate and what is just the result of memory not being the way it used to be, but then everyone in the nursing home where Anita resides knows "used-to".

                                                                                  

Some used to be gainfully employed as teachers or mechanics, policemen or even nurses like the ones taking care of them. Some used to be able to golf,  drive their own vehicles, have lunch with their friends or make their own dinners. I look at these faces in the hallways, where sometimes wheelchair traffic is as gridlocked as the nearest interstate and some smile but others simply look distant as though they realize this is not really their home.  The nurses joke with them or help them navigate their food with utensils that have become more difficult to use independently. 

          Image by fiskfisk via Flickr

They may or may not have chosen this place to now call home, but I know they used to have homes or places they lived independently. Some used to be the breadwinner for families that have moved far away; too far to visit regularly. Some used to paint or play the piano, cook, or refurbish cars and some like Anita used to be able to read but either can't because the print is nearly invisible or even if they try to enjoy the story on tapes,find they can't comprehend what they hear.They were able to button their own clothes and had hair and good hearing and as one man told me," I used to have more of my own parts and fewer replacement ones." Some used to spend their weekends watching football, tending their gardens, traveling or enjoying the company of their grandchildren. Anita used to have a small dachshund that curled up near her feet each night. Now she has some stuffed dogs that I am sure are not really a good replacement for her beloved, "Louie".                                                                          
I can't help but know that "used-to" becomes more of my vocabulary everyday. I used to be able to stay up and party all night, I used to not have to watch what I ate, I used to think 30 was old. I used to wear high heels comfortably. I used to read bedtime stories and tuck babies in, used to have clothes in sizes lower than double digits, used to get up at 3 a.m. to get a little guy to an ice rink, used to read Cosmopolitan instead of This Old House and used to go out the same time I now go to bed. Things change. We don't know where we will end up...or how.


Image by * hiro008 via Flickr
When I meet with Anita, or see any of the other patients I visit, I know that we will all be shells of our former self at some point. Strangers may be caring for us and we may not recognize much in our world that looks familiar. Someone will perhaps look at us and not know any of our "used-to" moments. Someone may only see us for what we are then, when in reality everyone "used to" be different.

Our lives slip by mostly unnoticed when the hour glass is fairly full but more obviously when it is more than half empty. I see the faces that I know have a story which people now with them will never know and pray for my own sake that with amazing compassion and gentle acceptance, everyone will realize we are all part of a cycle of "used to" more than we know.
Whether because of age, health, economy, or any other circumstances, sometimes who we see is not who they used to be. Some day, how others see us might never be the way we were.


How about you, what's on your list of "used to__?"