The Best and Worst Things I Learned From My Mother

Image by RACINGMIX via FlickrIn a few days we celebrate our mothers and it is well that we honor the women who contributed much to our lives.I was blessed with a mother who truly loved me, believed in me and celebrated a lifetime of a great relationship with me until her death nearly 2 years ago. I learned some valuable lessons from my mother. Some were great and some were just as good because they taught me what NOT to do. So in tribute to my mom here are my best and worst lessons.

1. You will never appreciate something you get from instant gratification as much as something you waited and worked for.
In every aspect of my life, I realize what or who I truly value cost me time, resources, energy or patience but in the end I truly cherish both the material things and the relationships that were created from cultivating them and earning them.

2. Take care of your own.
My mother never expected a hand out or hesitated to assist anyone in her family whether it was to work all day and come hone to take care of her own family, meet the needs of her invalid mother or extend any assistance to relatives who she knew needed help. She was always there to offer herself for anything that needed done.

3. Sweep your own doorstep first.
I heard this a lot growing up. My mother knew everyone had "dirt" and before you became critical of another, you needed to look at your own shortcomings.

4.Don't spend money you don't have.
My mother loved nice things but was completely satisfied not to get them until she could afford to. She never made my father anxious by splurging on anything that would have stressed the budget.  She could make do with what she had and worked hard to keep things she did have in great condition.

5. Remember where you came from
My mother had very humble beginnings in a very large family. She was not ashamed to admit she never graduated from high school because like so many of her brothers and sisters, she needed to work to help the family stay afloat. She never saw her beginnings as something to hide or especially gloss over and she never put on airs pretending that she had a glamorous or even perfect past.


6. Don't Be Afraid To Be Different
 My mother worked from the time she was 14. She had a job when it was "unfashionable" for women with children to work outside of the home. She was the first of her sisters to wear a "pant suit" and color her hair. She married my father after being involved in an abusive marriage at 16 and being a single parent for several year, which was quite isolating at that time.. She loved watching golf and football on TV long before women were even supposed to admit interest and disliked anyplace where there was an expectation that everyone be like anyone else. I like to think my looking forward to my THIS OLD HOUSE magazine each month and preference for refinishing furniture over gardening comes from her.
 

But I also learned some things from my mother I chose not to embrace.


1. Silence is Golden
When my mother was angry with something she would just not talk. It usually was only temporary but it drove me crazy sometimes wondering what upset her. Usually when whatever was bothering her finally spilled out, it was something that could have easily been clarified or caused less drama by simply talking.Sometimes I probably drive people crazy because I always want to get to the heart of the problem and "talk it out". I am not comfortable ever sweeping an issue under a carpet and hoping it will just go away while I let it seethe inside me.

2.Down Time is Not Appropriate
My mother worked because she had to in order for my father and her to raise a family. She also felt responsible for taking care of parents and her in-laws who were not in good health. She had a large heart but often felt responsible for taking care of everyone's problems, seldom ever taking time to replenish her own needs with just some hobbies or relaxation. I know the value of simply getting away from the stresses and going off and reading a good book, taking a walk or engaging in some retail window shopping and getting a new perspective.

3.Don't Ask for Help
My mother often felt asking for help was admitting failure. She cleaned her own home even when it was obvious  she was struggling and after a cleaning service began, she fought tooth and nail finding anything she could dislike as reason to discontinue the service. She never wanted anyone to feel obligated to assist her but it often made it difficult to truly give her what she really needed whether it was a gift she had been hoping for or assistance with something she no longer could do. I have learned that "help" is not a dirty four letter word and that sometimes I simply have to admit I can't do it by myself.

4.You Won't Get to Heaven if You:
It was any number of things...miss mass on Sunday and not because you were sick, eat meat on Friday, forget to say your prayers, criticize the Pope...Mom loved her faith and God and I know she is with Him but I chose to eliminate the rituals in my life and concentrate on living more by biblical standards.I got my faith from my mother's devotion to hers. It's not better than what she had just different.

5.Just Do Things The Way They Have Always Been Done
 While this advice could be practical at times, I think my mother missed having more time by not having some conveniences. She chose never to own a dishwasher always being skeptical of whether or not her dishes would get truly clean. She did not want a computer, to learn how to email or to have a cell phone. She was comfortable just waiting for snail mail or choosing to call her friends and family and did not mind waiting for information she sent for to learn new things. I know that while I have sometimes bulked at learning new techniques, I often also discovered that I can save time, energy and frustration by having some modern conveniences that do things for me more expediently.

Image by loomingy1 via Flickr
I loved my mother and father and think of them daily with wonderful memories.I think we learn much from those who love us even though sometimes we may not realize it and I think we learn how to do and be as well as how not to do and be... and it's all good learning.

To my mom...thank you for lessons you might never have realized you were teaching and I was learning.
And to moms everywhere, embrace your day and smile because you earned it! 


What did your mom teach you to do or not do by her example.



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ONE in a Million

Image by Lab2112 via Flickr

" ...a man loves his sweetheart the best but his mother the longest."

This coming Sunday we celebrate Mother's Day. It will be bittersweet for me as I lost my own mother just a few weeks after Mother's Day last year. Fortunately my mother and I had a great relationship and I was able to spend many blessed moments with her.

Some people are not so lucky. Although it may be hard to fathom if you came from a well bonded family, some individuals recall little to celebrate about their mothers. Perhaps their mothers were indifferent or selfish, immature or absent. Life in a home where a mother was anything but nurturing could be a memory to escape from and forget.

But regardless of what type of mother you had, someone in your life has been like a mother to you. Someone has helped you to hold fast to your dreams, consoled you when you were sad, taken care of you when you were alone and believed in you when you didn't even believe in yourself. It may have been a sibling, an aunt, grandmother, colleague or even good friend. What you missed in a relationship with the woman who bore you, you may have found in another who allowed you to be someone they loved not because of but maybe in spite of the circumstances. Someone has been your ONE in a million.

Besides celebrating the one who was "mother" to you, take time to give a reverse thank you to the children you have cared for who gave you the privilege of being called "mother". Although motherhood may not seem like such a gift when you are knee deep in 3 a.m. feedings or trying to maintain a normal household with a wayward, disrespectful teenager, few mothers would choose to never have the chance at those moments. It is incredibly hard work to raise a child but the rewards of being the One in a million to another far outweigh the years of unselfishness or sacrifices made.


Your mother or another individual may have been One in a Million to you. You may be the ONE in a million to someone else. Biological or not, those who you have taken under your wing know you are irreplaceable and you know it has been an incredible adventure, regardless. 


To my own three not so little children anymore...thank you for the pleasure of being your mother.  I truly would not want to have missed any of it for the world and thank you to my mother who taught me how to be ONE in a million. It was the lesson of my life.

ONE great gift...:Your Presence Present

Image via Wikipedia

Graduations, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Weddings...It is definitely the time of year when major gift giving occurs. In our family we also have four birthdays within the next three months. Trying to find the perfect gift is mind boggling. While giving cash may always be welcome. It does seem like little thought and no effort really goes in to selecting a gift the receiver will find personalized with a cash contribution.

Maybe you have that dilemma too. What about giving Presence Presents...a gift of yourself for a particular occasion. Maybe a gift of taking the harried new mom out to a lunch or afternoon shopping, or visiting a relative and bringing a favorite dessert and looking through pictures together. Several years ago, I asked several members of our family to write a particularly special memory they had being with my mother and to send pictures with the replies.  I then made her a scrapbook with those photos and letters.  She was just delighted and I know I could never have given her a gift that meant as much by purchasing anything in a store or giving a gift card. It was more memorable spending the time with her as she read each letter. My mother passed away shortly after that and I was always grateful that she saw those letters before she was gone.


We might not realize how much spending an evening together watching an old movie or catching up on news can mean to someone. Someone who takes the time to give their presence to celebrate a special day may truly give the best gift ever.  Maybe a new graduate would love to have you spend time with them reviewing a resume and shopping for some "career clothes" or think about the father who might like to spend an evening with his children grilling dinner for him and sharing all their favorite moments. One of my dearest friends continues to tell me that her favorite gift was when I popped in with a birthday cake and some craft supplies on a day she never expected. Her birthday is around the Christmas holidays and is seldom celebrated just for her at that hectic time.  She always wanted to learn to decorate wreaths and so we celebrated her "half birthday" in the summer, complete with wreath making fun. Every time she selects that wreath for her door or wall, she tells me she remembers that great afternoon when she shared time with me and it was all about her.


Sometimes our children want just a day they can enjoy with us from breakfast to bedtime having fun hanging out together. A store bought present can never compete with your Presence Presents.  Give a gift of your time to someone next time your wonder what to get.


How about you?  What was the best gift that you ever received?