Am I Worth It?

 This beautiful post comes courtesy of Mary DeMuth, an author who touches women's souls. Her memoir, THIN PLACES can be found on Amazon. 
Unfortunately, I grew up thinking that if I had worth, it had to do with how I looked. I wish that weren't the case, but I believed it. But I wasn't a cute kid, hardly one you'd look at and say, "Wow, she's striking." I was homely, needy, and thin. I had dark circles under my eyes. (Vestiges of that still clings to me today, so I use concealer).

Regardless of how I felt, sometime around puberty, attention came. That astounds me now, as I was gangly and terribly awkward. And I started that dance of fear, of longing for a daddy and looking for him on the face of boys my age. All I really wanted was for someone to hug me and say, "Everything will be okay." I did not want to be kissed. Or looked at. Just held.

And yet, I needed attention. Relished it. As I grew into myself in late high school and college, the male attention continued. I spent time primping and flirting. I longed for a look, a hint of interest.

But I was so damaged back then, I couldn't receive love. I relied on my looks to receive love, yet I couldn't allow any man access to my heart, so terrified I was to be known, and then hurt.

Today I am loved deeply by a man who is handsome and amazing and smart and deep and spiritual. I revel in that. And yet, I still mourn losing my looks to age. How uncanny is that? I should be embracing the wisdom that comes with age, the beauty of growing a more beautiful soul (thanks to Jesus' interaction with my life). But I think there's still that little girl inside me, equating my worth with how I look. And as I age, I'm afraid.

Will I be loved? Will I have worth?

"Dear Jesus, help me to embrace age. To be okay in my own skin. To equate worth with how You see me, not what I see in the mirror. Rejuvenate my heart today. Make my soul beautiful. Help me to see that skin is simply the outer covering to what is truly beautiful inside--You working in and through me. Forgive me for equating my worth to my own looks, for worrying about getting old. Help me today to be okay with who I am in this moment, wildly loved by You. Amen."


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