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This beautiful post comes courtesy of Mary DeMuth, an author who touches women's souls. Her memoir, THIN PLACES can be found on Amazon.
Unfortunately, I grew up thinking that if I had worth, it had to do with how I looked. I wish that weren't the case, but I believed it. But I wasn't a cute kid, hardly one you'd look at and say, "Wow, she's striking." I was homely, needy, and thin. I had dark circles under my eyes. (Vestiges of that still clings to me today, so I use concealer).
Regardless of how I felt, sometime around puberty, attention came. That astounds me now, as I was gangly and terribly awkward. And I started that dance of fear, of longing for a daddy and looking for him on the face of boys my age. All I really wanted was for someone to hug me and say, "Everything will be okay." I did not want to be kissed. Or looked at. Just held.
And yet, I needed attention. Relished it. As I grew into myself in late high school and college, the male attention continued. I spent time primping and flirting. I longed for a look, a hint of interest.
But I was so damaged back then, I couldn't receive love. I relied on my looks to receive love, yet I couldn't allow any man access to my heart, so terrified I was to be known, and then hurt.
Today I am loved deeply by a man who is handsome and amazing and smart and deep and spiritual. I revel in that. And yet, I still mourn losing my looks to age. How uncanny is that? I should be embracing the wisdom that comes with age, the beauty of growing a more beautiful soul (thanks to Jesus' interaction with my life). But I think there's still that little girl inside me, equating my worth with how I look. And as I age, I'm afraid.
Will I be loved? Will I have worth?
"Dear Jesus, help me to embrace age. To be okay in my own skin. To equate worth with how You see me, not what I see in the mirror. Rejuvenate my heart today. Make my soul beautiful. Help me to see that skin is simply the outer covering to what is truly beautiful inside--You working in and through me. Forgive me for equating my worth to my own looks, for worrying about getting old. Help me today to be okay with who I am in this moment, wildly loved by You. Amen."
Find Mary at http://www.marydemuth, http://www.facebook.com/authormarydemuth
http://www.twitter.com/marydemuth
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Today is 1-11-
11. There has been a lot of talk this past year about the significance of the day's numerology but I am not writing to offer any thoughts about that. Actually I think this might be the perfect day to do ONE thing in five areas of your life.
1. First, ask yourself ONE question, " Is the direction I am going helping to give me a life I hope for?" Don't think about what you have accumulated, left behind or still have to accomplish but rather if you can truly feel comfort in where you are heading.
2. Then reflect on ONE aspect of your life that needs more discernment. Maybe a regret you can't let go of or someone you need to forgive. Maybe it is a past you can't change or a future you can't accept. Perhaps you need to reflect on what you have learned from your mistakes or what you have realized from your behavior.
3. Now think of ONE goal you want to reach. Maybe you want to get a college degree or move closer to your family, change careers or spend more time traveling. What are you truly attempting or not attempting to pursue that you wish you could reach?
4. Regardless of what is or isn't working, our lives are constantly evolving. So, now think of ONE thing you'd like to change in your life. It might be a habit or a behavior or maybe the way you are reacting to a given circumstance. You might want to change something physical or something emotional. Think about ONE change that would really make a difference.
5. Finally decide what or who you will serve in life. Will you serve yourself and meet all of your needs and wants first, serve your family and friends or are you choosing to serve God first? Are you choosing to be obedient to what He wants you to do and where He wants you to go? Many people think serving God means giving up the "good life" to live without comforts, pleasures or having our needs met. But really serving God first might simply mean to lay at his feet your questions about your directions in life, the area that requires more discernment, the goals you want to pursue and the changes you want to make. Ask Him to make those issues clearer to you and give you a perspective you can't get alone.
Sure there are many things we all want to achieve, change, redirect, ponder and acquire. It is hard to select just ONE. Maybe the only ONE thing we can select that will make the other areas seem less confusing is to make sure the ONE we choose to serve has the power to change our lives. Our power is limited but His is not.
One to ask, One to reflect, One to pursue, One to change and One to serve. Which One makes the biggest difference in your life? Perhaps just turning to the ONE that can make it all happen is the best way to go.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27
There is was again...that sneaking little message, "searching for signal" that my cable company employs whenever the weather or another circumstance interrupts programming.
Sometimes I can completely understand how something disrupts "regularly scheduled programming." I usually am annoyed and sometimes completely frustrated but I must admit that sometimes what is searching for a signal is ...ME!
Did you ever wonder what you were really supposed to do with your life? Ever wonder how you would handle an unexpected detour or unforgiving experience? Have you ever felt like every way you turned presented some obstacle and there was no clear path in sight? I know I have. I have often been "searching for a signal."
Sometimes we look for a sign or signal in the encouraging or discouraging words of others or perhaps you have searched via dreams, websites, support groups, counseling or any combination of those things. Sometimes you might even have searched through prayer.
But how do we know that what we think is a signal or sign is really that? How do you know that the signal you receive is one you should give your attention to? Haven't you ever followed what you thought was a sign and then became even more confused or unsure of any direction to go? In Jeremiah 29:11, God tells his people, "for I know the plans I have for you. Plans for you to prosper and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I have always loved that verse and yet some days I wonder why God just doesn't make those plans so apparent that I will be guaranteed to know them.
It's then that I realize I often see what I am looking for; what I want rather than what hope not to see. Sometimes, our signals are not ones we dreamed, hoped or prayed for and yet they might be the very signal we were supposed to get. Some of the stories I told in ONE MORE SERVING http://www.onemoreserving.com are the results of signals that were not necessarily ones hoped or searched for but ones that needed heeding and required action. A minister at a church I attend says we should not necessarily pray for a miracle but rather for an opportunity. Given that we always want what we want, maybe it is difficult to see a signal that is not what we expected. But, if God has our best interests at heart and knows His plans for us, would it not be unfortunate to disregard a signal that could change our lives by God's standards rather than ours.
While I will continue the venue of this blog, I will be launching a new blog site soon, talking about the more controversial issues in our world and hoping to gain a perspective from all readers whether Christian or not, because sometimes in our search for signals, we must be open minded to find God not in our box but in His world. I hope you will also join me there. Coming soonhttp://thislittlechristiangoestomarket.wordpress.com/
I hope you will join me there an offer comments, suggestions and real discussion.
How about you? Are you still searching for a signal? Did you follow a signal you received or are you trying to ignore one you wish you never recognized?
Unfortunately, I grew up thinking that if I had worth, it had to do with how I looked. I wish that weren't the case, but I believed it. But I wasn't a cute kid, hardly one you'd look at and say, "Wow, she's striking." I was homely, needy, and thin. I had dark circles under my eyes. (Vestiges of that still clings to me today, so I use concealer).
